*Author's note: This blog was researched and co-authored by Charlie Bear.
Throwing a tantrum is not to be taken lightly. There are many factors that need to be taken into consideration in order to get the MOST our of your fit throwing.
As previously mentioned in several blogs, Mr. Charlie has some MAD tantrum throwing skills. MAD. After raising three children of my own and working in schools and preschools for many a year, I can honestly say, with 100% accuracy, that Charlie is THE tantrum throwing Gold Medalist of all time.
Since tantrum throwing is an art form, we decided that he should share some of his secrets with the rest of the world, so as to bring Tantrum Throwing Awareness to the masses. (Children ages 2 and under, pay close attention. Divas, Naomi Campbell, and girls who really desperately want their own way, take notes: these tips can be revised to suit your individual purposes.)
The perfect tantrum should occur in a room with several people, many of whom are not known by your nanny. (It's always best to do this with your nanny, rather than your parents, because your nanny is a sucker and she won't spank you.) Make sure these people are quietly listening to something else. If there is another baby in the room behaving himself perfectly, that's even better because it makes your horrible behavior all the more blatantly obvious and embarrassing.
In order to set the scene correctly, you need to catch everyone off guard. Be charming. Smile and dimple sweetly at everyone around you. Listen while people comment on your bouncing curls, chubby belly, adorable smile and happy nature. Bat your long lashed blue eyes and make everyone fall in love with you. This insures that when you start screaming, most people will not believe it's your fault and that your nanny must have done something evil to you.
When the attention turns from you to the event at hand, start squirming in your nanny's lap. Allow her to kiss your cheek and shush you, lulling her into a false sense of security that you are going to calm down and behave.
Sit still for a moment then start fussing again, at which point she will hand you her keys. Make sure she knows you don't WANT her keys... what you WANT are her $250 Coach sunglasses that you know you aren't supposed to play with. She gives them to you just to shut you up.
Put them on your face, put them in your mouth, wipe your nose on them and make sure the lenses are good and smudged before moving on to Round 2.
Now... bring out the Big Guns.
Without any warning, arch your back and let out a piercing shriek. Make sure you knock your really short nanny in the chin, causing her to bite her tongue and see stars for a minute. Stiffen your back, legs, arms and neck so that she can't cuddle you or sit you back in her lap. Continue to bellow while she pretends everything is okay and she doesn't want to ring your neck.
Momentarily relax your body, so she can sit you once again in her lap, then whirl around and fling your body to the floor so that your head makes a loud thud and everyone turns and stares at her accusingly, for allowing such a precious child to bang his head on the floor. Wail pathetically while producing real tears as she scoops you up and kisses your boo-boo. Increase the volume as she kisses you, taking deep, rattling breaths to make sure everyone in the room knows how badly you are hurt. Sob uncontrollably for at least 3 minutes. Allow yourself to be calmed down just before your nanny decides to remove you from the room.
Lean against her lovingly while you catch your breath. Allow everyone to go back to listening to whatever they are listening to. Give your nanny the impression that you are going to fall asleep because you are so drained from the previous episode. Laugh maniacally to yourself at her continued naivity.
Without warning, lift your head up and let out a loud, rasping cry. Fling yourself backward again, knowing that this time your nanny has a good grip on you so you aren't going to fall but it won't be easy for her to hang on to you. Eventually, she has to lay you down because your 45 lbs becomes dead weight. Kick your feet and scream while she tries to pick you up and stand up off the floor at the same time, in her tight pants and high heels. Chuckle to yourself because you know and she knows and everyone else knows that her butt crack is showing because her pants slipped down. Make sure you hang on to her shirt in just the exact perfect way so that her left boob is exposed. Lay your head back, open your mouth, and scream at the top of your lungs as she leaves the room. Stop crying immediately when the door shuts and you are out of the room. Listen to her mutter bad words as she stomps out to her car. Smile at all people you pass along the way.
When she opens her car door and tries to put you in the carseat, arch your back and start crying again. Make it next to impossible for her to sit your chubby fanny in the seat and snap the restraints. Make sure she earns her money.
Stop crying as soon as she's done.
Look at her pissed off face as she glares at you for a moment, smile sweetly and say, "Mama!" as if none of the previous had ever happened.
At this point she will melt, kiss your fat little face and say, "You're such a stinker!"
Know you have her bamboozled
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